Introduction: World is Dangerous Place

The world is a  frightening place.  But you already knew that; you read it in  the paper, hear about it from friends, see it  with your own eyes every time you turn on  the TV to watch bad singers or dancers  subject themselves to abuse from judges  with no more talent than the contestants, or  see a web video of a teenager shooting a  bottle rocket from his ass for amusement,  or get plowed from behind in your car by  another driver who was texting “LMAO” to  his friends instead of noticing that the light  had turned red and you had stopped.

If random violence doesn’t get you, cancer will. If cancer doesn’t, global  warming will. If global warming doesn't,  bullet ants will. Or botflies. Or lightning. Or  tsunamis. Or the Great Pacific Garbage  Patch. Or Fijian headhunters. Or just normal  everyday activities like drinking water,  eating an orange, breathing the air, or  having sex with a goat.  Yes, we are in deep doo-doo. You should  be scared to death, right?  Wrong.  Okay, sure, this is a book of scary facts,  and the more you read, the more afraid you  are likely to be. I wouldn’t be doing my job if  you weren't. But if forewarned is forearmed,  then the more you know, the safer you'll  feel, even if it’s a false sense of security  since you can’t do a thing about most of  what you read here. But who cares, as long  as you feel better?  If not—if this information scares the shit  out of you—that‘s okay, too. You‘re probably reading this on the crapper,  anyway, and what better place to be scared  shitless? Isn't that the idea, to be shitless?  At least you aren’t befouling a nice pair of  pants. l’m also keeping you regular. You’re  welcome.  While I'm scaring you, though, I also  hope to make you laugh. There’s a joke  after every fact, for chrissakes. Do you  have any idea how hard it is to make jokes  about things like a guy getting the wrong  testicle removed during surgery? Okay, bad  example. But you get the idea: you should  laugh when you read this book. If you don't,  either you have no sense of humor or I  need a new career. I'm too old to start a  new career, so the blame falls squarely on  you.  Be warned also that you might be  offended by this book when I make fun of  someone or something you love. Butts of  my jokes include doctors, dentists, Latvians, Texans, kids, pets, Deadheads,  mothers-in-law, Death Row inmates,  Catholics, Pentecostals, Sammy Hagar,  Lyle Lovett, the French, Tennessee, fast-  food employees, and numerous other  people, places and things. I also make  ample fun of myself, my wife, my (fictitious)  sex life, my home state of Georgia, and  other things I hold near and dear. So  unbunch your panties and laugh a little.  Even you, Sammy Hagar.  Far more offensive than my jokes are the  ridiculous things that occur in this world on  a daily basis, so read these facts and be  afraid, be amused, be annoyed, be aghast,  be whatever. You already bought the book  and I already got paid, so I don’t really  care. Sorry, just being honest. (Sort of.)  And remember: front to back, and keep wiping until the TP is clean.